I begin this post with the obvious disclaimer that I am a mom of girls. I love my girls. I am protective of my girls. I am also someone who has loved and journeyed with teenagers for many years and can honestly say that I treasure the teenage males in my life. I have spent many years investing in ALL teenagers, but today, my heart is broken for the young women in my home. Please hear this post from a momma's heart.
I am not naive. I know that my kids have colorful language and as we do with any subject in our house, there is no topic that they do not openly discuss. I'm sure that more than once they have contributed to setting a tone for what some perceive to be graphic conversations. In my junior high days, conversations about puberty and body changes were taboo. These things seemed to happen in a vacuum never to be discussed at a lunch table. Not so with my girls. They not only go there, but thanks to conversations that we have at the dinner table, nothing is off-limits. With that said, I cannot tell you the number of times that mid-hard topic we have stopped to recognize the personal and respectful attitude that comes with being open.
For the past five years, the level of overt sexuality that my oldest has experienced from the young men in her life has dramatically increased. I vividly remember the first time that she was told by a fellow 5th grader that a classmate "wanted to have sex" with her. This was only the beginning. With each passing year, the conversations have become more graphic. The comments have only become more degrading and the presence of a filter non-existent. Just this week, she wore a dress to do a presentation in class and was greeted with a commentary from a male counterpart on her curves. Thank goodness that her standard school dress consists of jeans and concert t-shirts.
I honestly cannot keep up with the many times that I have been taken aback by the flippant comments that have come to be common place to my girls. Phrases like "hit that" and "get some" are not even on the sexually degrading radar of this generation. Taking a seductive selfie and posting it on their story is not only seen as cool, but as a completely normal part of everyday life. In my day, Madonna was scandalous. She could teach kindergarten level relationships in 2017.
During her middle school years, I was known to get on group chats and tell the group of kids that it was me writing. With my daughter's permission, I tried to explain that the comments that were being made about women were not only inappropriate, but offensive. The boys seemed to be confused as to why the girls found them irritating, I simply offered a possible solution. And then we started high school. I believe the years of increasing exposure and normalization have created a generation of teens that are numb to even recognizing the concept of sacred sexuality.
Terms like 'F boy' (yep) and 'slut shaming' are used as causal chat. The idea that losing your virginity is something to check off the list of early high school accomplishments is not only a common thought, but assumed behavior. And I'm not talking about locker room banter with the guys. Young women, GREAT young women, are buying the lie that random sex with random people at random locations is what it means to grow up. It is the norm for teenagers to have hidden picture files on their phones that could have them arrested for child pornography. Because sending a topless picture of your self is PG behavior. Literally, having a - excuse the term, this is a quote - "dick pic" picture file is the norm. I was told recently that the term 'virgin' is a social construct designed to guilt teens into abstinence. (Insert rolling my eye emoji)
Here's my dilemma. I'm tired. It's the time of the year in parent life that my defenses are down. The grind of end of year drama and tests and banquets and projects and auditions for next year and crazy schedules have stolen my joy. Emotions are high in their lives and mine. Summer trips are being planned. Both of my girls are going to camps on college campuses for their favorite activities. All of this causes a momma's heart to break wide open at the thought of what my girls (and every other kiddo) may encounter in the coming days, weeks and months. In the next week, they are going to transition from overstressed to under scheduled and this is a slippery slope. This is when they need us most, parents. This is when they need to know why the things that we value are important. EVEN WHEN THEY ARE SO SICK OF OUR VOICES THEY WANT TO RUN AWAY.
I wish I could reverse time and space and ears and hearts and give my girls a protected environment, free from the pounding trends in sexuality. I can't. So in that space, I have two choices. I can stick my head in the sand and hope they make good choices or I can engage. I choose the later. This summer, I am committed to entering into this conversation with some of my favorite high school girls by reading one of my favorite books, Sex God by Rob Bell. It lays the foundation of why sexuality matters and how we mess it up. It is easy to read, but if you honestly digest the content, it is far from easy to understand. I want the young people in my life to know that what they see as the norm is not the only way to approach sex. Because the world's messages of sexuality lack connection and commitment and vulnerability and sacrifice. They have been sold a lie.
One more note. Because I have spent more than 20 years navigating this topic with adolescents, I can say with great certainty that simply saying to them that 'this is God's plan for sex, wait' is insufficient. Literally, there is not a TV show, movie, book, classroom, lunch table, commercial, song or peer giving them that message. Additionally, if your teen is anything like mine, they need more. They need to know that this GOOD, GOOD gift is just that. But that takes intentional, purposeful, wise and open minded conversation. And prayer. Lots and lots and lots of prayer.
If you are struggling in this arena as a parent, you are not alone. But let me be so bold as to say, your kids are defining their views and decisions and heart about sexuality with or without you. If you want to have a part in this conversation, you must engage. Even if you think that you messed it up as a teen. Even if you think you are still messing it up as an adult. Even if you don't know what to say.
It's time that we stop pretending that this issue will resolve on it's own when they are ready to handle it. In the first 10 years of their lives, my girls were shaping their understanding of intimacy and trust and vulnerability and relationships. It's never too early to start these conversations. And if you have a high schooler, and you are not talking about everything from technology to date rape to STDs to birth control, it's time to stop thinking "not my kid."
It may be the end of May, but momma's and daddy's, may we not let our fatigue deter us from some meaningful conversations this summer. They need to hear from us.
Here's my dilemma. I'm tired. It's the time of the year in parent life that my defenses are down. The grind of end of year drama and tests and banquets and projects and auditions for next year and crazy schedules have stolen my joy. Emotions are high in their lives and mine. Summer trips are being planned. Both of my girls are going to camps on college campuses for their favorite activities. All of this causes a momma's heart to break wide open at the thought of what my girls (and every other kiddo) may encounter in the coming days, weeks and months. In the next week, they are going to transition from overstressed to under scheduled and this is a slippery slope. This is when they need us most, parents. This is when they need to know why the things that we value are important. EVEN WHEN THEY ARE SO SICK OF OUR VOICES THEY WANT TO RUN AWAY.
I wish I could reverse time and space and ears and hearts and give my girls a protected environment, free from the pounding trends in sexuality. I can't. So in that space, I have two choices. I can stick my head in the sand and hope they make good choices or I can engage. I choose the later. This summer, I am committed to entering into this conversation with some of my favorite high school girls by reading one of my favorite books, Sex God by Rob Bell. It lays the foundation of why sexuality matters and how we mess it up. It is easy to read, but if you honestly digest the content, it is far from easy to understand. I want the young people in my life to know that what they see as the norm is not the only way to approach sex. Because the world's messages of sexuality lack connection and commitment and vulnerability and sacrifice. They have been sold a lie.
One more note. Because I have spent more than 20 years navigating this topic with adolescents, I can say with great certainty that simply saying to them that 'this is God's plan for sex, wait' is insufficient. Literally, there is not a TV show, movie, book, classroom, lunch table, commercial, song or peer giving them that message. Additionally, if your teen is anything like mine, they need more. They need to know that this GOOD, GOOD gift is just that. But that takes intentional, purposeful, wise and open minded conversation. And prayer. Lots and lots and lots of prayer.
If you are struggling in this arena as a parent, you are not alone. But let me be so bold as to say, your kids are defining their views and decisions and heart about sexuality with or without you. If you want to have a part in this conversation, you must engage. Even if you think that you messed it up as a teen. Even if you think you are still messing it up as an adult. Even if you don't know what to say.
It's time that we stop pretending that this issue will resolve on it's own when they are ready to handle it. In the first 10 years of their lives, my girls were shaping their understanding of intimacy and trust and vulnerability and relationships. It's never too early to start these conversations. And if you have a high schooler, and you are not talking about everything from technology to date rape to STDs to birth control, it's time to stop thinking "not my kid."
It may be the end of May, but momma's and daddy's, may we not let our fatigue deter us from some meaningful conversations this summer. They need to hear from us.
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