Thirteen Reasons Why

I have an avid reader in my house. Literally, she has asked for bookshelves for the last 3 gifting holidays. If you were to stand in the Barnes and Noble young adult section, she rarely finds books that she has not read. While this would be a dream for most parents, I faced the reality years ago that I will never be able to keep up with her in quantity or speed. In late elementary, I would pick up every book, reading the cover and flipping through the content. As she moved into middle school, I admit that I was not as cautious. Often I would find myself listening to her stories about her books and think to myself should she be reading this?

In 2007, Jay Asher wrote a book called Thirteen Reasons Why. This book in particular sparked many conversations, but I had no idea the depths of the issues until recently. On March 31st, Netflix released this book in a 13 episode series. My lover of a good story immediately watched it and told me that I HAD to watch it.

Let me pause for a second. If your kids are inviting you into their thing, PLEASE take the time to enter into the movie, book, app, game, sport, whatever! I find it more and more challenging to find moments of connection as they grow, so anytime I am encouraged by the girls to watch, listen to, read or learn about something, I jump. With that said, I was traveling and then it was Holy Week. So yesterday, I carved out space to sit and binge watch. I finished the last episode this morning, and, well....

I will give a warning before I go on. This is a HARD show to watch. It is real. It is very raw. They do not water down the language or topics or head space of teenagers. It is certainly not for everyone. I would actually highly discourage middle schoolers from watching. But, if your kid has watched it, you need to watch it. If your kid has asked to watch it and you are not sure, please preview and see for yourself.

Here are my 13 reasons why every parent of a teenager should watch this show:

1. This is series is a cult phenomenon - in just 19 days. Boys are watching. Girls are watching. Jocks are watching. Nerds are watching. The writing is on the wall that this will be a defining generational piece of fictional imagery. They are talking about it at school. They are naming each other in the characters. Every social group and stereotype is represented. If you can journey back to 1988, it is Go Ask Alice meets Breakfast Club.

2. You need to know what your kids are watching. Pretending that your kid will not watch this show is not realistic. So, you don't have Netflix. Their best friend can stream Netflix on the bus. The clips are uploaded on YouTube. The story is in the school library. You need to know that this is more than a show about bullying. It is a true-to-life account of the way that the teenage brains perceive judgment and experience pain. It is the truth about alcohol fueled parties. It shows the very real images of acquaintance rape and sexual assault. It realistically portrays the way that kids (and adults) have no idea how to read warning signs and prevent suicide. This is super heavy stuff and we need to be having conversations.

3. If your kids watch it, you need to be prepared to debrief. What character can you relate to? Which tape was the hardest to watch? What would you do if you were in this situation? And I'm not just talking about suicide. What would you do if someone said, "just swim in your bra and underwear, its just like a swimsuit?" What would you do if someone asked you to keep a secret that you were not comfortable with? I would go so far as to say that if you can't have these conversations, then your kids are not ready to watch this show.

4. Rather than being afraid that this will introduce our kids to these topics, perhaps this is an opportunity for us to talk about the things they are already experiencing. They may not have seen them all, but I would be so bold as to assert that if your kid is in high school, these are real issues that they face everyday. Every. Single. Day.

5. Don't blindly assume not my kid. Yes, your kid. And my kids. Because they are just that - kids. They have developing brains with impulse control issues and a lack of boundaries. They have hormones and they feel the need to rebel. They have dark depressive moments when they think they are the only ones. And the ones that look the best on the outside have some of the biggest challenges. Parents, I beg you. Please don't think that your kid is not depicted in this series. In some way, with some issue, every single kid can be identified.

6. If you know that you have a kid that is struggling, learn from the parents in this series. They missed things. They didn't know how to react. They were shut out. One of things that I have learned the hard way in parenting is that 'yes' and 'no' questions are worthless. My girls can skate around the story if I don't cut to the quick. I have stopped asking 'how was your day?' because the answer is always 'fine'. I instead ask 'what was the best (or worst) part of your day?' I force them to share. And, I must admit, sometimes I don't feel like I have time to hear the whole story, but if I don't listen to the drama in 5th and 6th grade, they won't answer the hard questions in 10th and 11th.

7. If you only have time to watch one episode, watch episode 11. This is the most gut wrenching one for most kids because I think they will see themselves in Clay. They will struggle with why they can't help their friends. They need you to have this conversation with them. Ask this question, "Who in your group of friends do you worry about the most?" And then listen.

8. Decide with your co-parenting friends where the lines are going to be. When do we share our kid's stuff with each other? At what point in the information that we filter through our own kids are we going to tell each other what we hear about someone else's kid? Each parent is different. It stings to feel like we are hearing another adult shame or judge our kid. But we MUST be a team. I let my kids friends get away with a good bit. But if I know they or someone else is being harmed, I will make a call. I hate doing it, but I've done it more times than I would like to admit, and I'll do it again.

9. Ask for help. If you find yourself in a situation where you are in over your head as a parent, please, please, please ask for help. I suck at lots of parenting things, like cooking, but I get others.
Don't know how to look for their fake Insta accounts? Ask other parents how they search.
Don't know how to decide if you child is depressed? Ask your doctor or their friends what they see.
Don't know what your kid is REALLY doing when they leave your house? Ask someone to show you how to use Find My iPhone and track them. Seriously. This is our job.

10. Realize that the hallways in your kid's high school are like the hallways in this series whether you like it or not. Private school or public school, gender specific or co-ed. Whether your kid talks in the colorful flow of the fu word and the sh word, the others do. Whether your kid went to the party that got out of hand on Friday or stayed home for family game night, they hear about it in great detail, in the hall and on Snapchat. This is the world we live in. Oh, how I wish I could put then both in the bubble, but instead, I walked in to my 15 year-old explaining to my 11 year-old what slut shaming is. Because it was happening at the middle school and they didn't have a name for it. Mine just knew she didn't like what kids were saying. This is real life.

11. Statistics show that our kids will know of at least one (if not more) teen that takes their own life. When I was growing up, more girls attempted, but the suicide rate was higher in guys. This is no longer the case. The fastest growing demographic of suicide in 2016 was girls age 10 to 14. That scares the shit out of me. Just keeping it real here. Please don't ignore or think that your kid will "grow out of it". Be all up in their business especially if you see warning signs.

12. If you have missed the coverage of entitled young adults in an over-sexualized world over the last few years, please come out from hiding. We have a problem. And the stud athletes in this series accurately depict not only the mindset of some teens, but the inability of their peers to call out their behavior. Our kids are going to see things that they know are wrong. Give them the tools to speak out about the things they witness. And this is not a conversation for after the fact. These building blocks have to come over things like how we speak to each other, copying homework, cheating on tests and sneaking out. How can we expect our kids to report sexual assault if they don't want to be a rat on the playground in 5th grade?

13. Love your kids. Not just in a give them a great birthday party and brag on Facebook kind of way. Love them with discipline and technology free conversations and by taking them for dates. Celebrate their uniqueness and gifts and goals. If you think your kid is a great writer, frame their favorite essay. If they are a known for being a super athlete, remind them that they are first and foremost a great human. Expect compassion and generosity. It's not enough for them to hear us say these things, we have to show them with our time and example. Love them in all the ways they don't know how to ask for. Because then, when the really hard day happens and they lose a friend in a car accident or make a mistake that has forever consequences, they will know that the base of every single interaction is your love for them. I can promise that hard days are coming. They are. Just brace yourself with that knowledge and trust that you have done the hard work of being their parent.